New Year’s Predictions
1 On January 14th, Eleanor Clift will stick a wet finger in her toaster, and the resulting shock, while not fatal, will weld her fillings together, forcing her to shut up until early May. Her replacement on the McGloughlin Group will be Ann Coulter, wearing a Doris Kearns Goodwin face mask.
2 George Steponallofus will on Valentines Day, announce his engagement to Peter Jennings. The couple will wed in Syria in June. Robert Mugabe will be the best man.
3 In March, CBS will receive an emergency phone call from Dan Rather, who will be in the Sudan at the time, working on a story about the Arab slave market. As the story develops, CNN will sneak in an undercover reporter who will use a photo phone to transmit satellite images of Rather in a full burqa, chained to a gold water buffalo statue in a harem. Rather, who will change his name to Sylvia Azis, will become the fourteenth concubine of a chief of the Tootsie tribe, and in nine months give birth to a pack of camels.
4 In June, Yassir Arafat will become the chief operating officer of the MacArthur Foundation, and fund six thousand hours of air time on PBS which will instruct viewers on how to convert to an extreme form of Islam and assemble body explosives. Three women from Vassar will complete the course, purchase the necessary explosives with a grant from the National Endowment for the Arts and detonate themselves in the lobby of the Guggenheim Art Museum during a retrospective exhibit of the best wallpaper designs of Adolf Hitler.
5 Michael Moore will on the 4th of July eat somebody who doesn’t agree with him and be admitted to the emergency ward of the Historic Ferry Building Hospital and Bathhouse in San Francisco. While under sedation, he will dream that he is the lost son of Barry Goldwater, and after recovering will move to Arizona, buy a pair of U.S. Cavalry suspenders and a lever-action rifle and become a deputy in the Yuma police department.
6 Barbra Streisand, sometime during the month of August, will have plastic surgery and due to a mixup in hospital surgical instructions, come out looking like Michael Rennie. It will revive her fading film career.
7 In September, Teddy Kennedy, Tom Daschle and Robert Byrd will open a new Democratic Party theme park. It will cost ten thousand dollars to get in, and you won’t get anything for your money;.
8 On Halloween, Bill Clinton will lose his keys to his home in New York, and knocking on the door to get in, be handed a bag of exploding candy pizza kisses by Hillary. The subsequent oral expansions will clear his sinuses for the first time in fifty years and extend his nose by four inches. He will then begin a career on the stage, portraying one of the Hounds of the Baskervilles..
9 On Thanksgiving, Howard Dean will eat crow in the one state he won during the general election. His former running mate, Jesse Jackson, will attend the dinner, and will bring his most famous personal dish, Jane Doe.
10 Just prior to the NFL playoffs in December, Rush Limbaugh will buy ESPN, fire the entire staff and turn the organization into a shopping network for people interested in high mileage but still-functioning conservative antiques with only a few dents.