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-Late Night Comedians on The California Governor Recall
Thursday Night August 7
Leno
If Arnold is elected, you know who I feel sorry for? The people on death row. Imagine you’re about to be executed, the governor calls, you think it’s a reprieve, you hear that "Hasta la vista, baby."
Arnold Schwarzenegger says he expects his opponents to throw all kinds of dirt at him, and it started already. Today they released the one thing that could really hurt him – he once starred in a movie with Tom Arnold.
Actor Gary Coleman is running for governor of California. He says his first order of business: Raise the minimum height requirement on rides at Disneyland.
As of today, we have Arnold Schwarzenegger has filed to run for governor. Gary Coleman has filed. Gallagher has filed. Larry Flynt ... Angelyne. I don’t know if it’s an election or a bad episode of "Hollywood Squares."
President Bush is on vacation. Aides to the president say he needs to get away from the White House to relax. See, that’s the difference between Bush and Bill Clinton – Clinton found ways to relax without even leaving the Oval Office.
Guess you heard President Bush passed his annual physical with flying colors. Doctors say his reflexes are excellent. Every time, they hit him on the knee and he bombed Iraq.
Miners in Russia have uncovered a 301-carat diamond. It’s something like the third-largest diamond ever mined in Russia. They say they’re saving it for Kobe’s next affair.
As I’m sure you heard, Mike Tyson is filing for Chapter 11. This is the first time Mike Tyson got up to Chapter 11 in anything.
According to a new study, the Detroit Tigers are leading the way in baseball’s effort to shorten the length of its games. A typical Tigers game lasts only 2 hours 32 minutes. Fifteen minutes shorter than the average game. Duh, there’s no hits and no runs. That speeds things up a little.
Letterman
Last night was a big night. Arnold Schwarzenegger announced that he is running for governor of California. I missed the whole thing. Sure, the one night that I forget to watch Leno and this happens.
So far President Bush has been silent on Schwarzenegger – actually, he just can’t pronounce his name.
Conan
Last night on the "Tonight Show" Arnold Schwarzenegger announced he is running for governor in California. The good news is that Florida is now only the second-flakiest state.
Arnold is inspired by President Bush. Not so much because of what he’s done, but because English is his second language too.
Kilborn
Arnold Schwarzenegger is running for governor in California. Already you can hear the chants of "Four more vowels! Four more vowels! Four more vowels!"
Governor Gray Davis says he now has a plan to get back in the spotlight – a young girl, a hotel room and a diamond ring.
Also yesterday Jerry Springer announced that he is not running for Senate in Ohio. If he can’t run the most embarrassing campaign in the country – then he decided he’s out!
Wednesday Night August 6
Leno
This governor’s race is getting crazy. Just moments ago "Seabiscut" announced he’s running.
Because of this recall thing, experts say the number of people running for governor could reach 500. We could have 500 people! We need to bring in Simon from "American Idol" and thin out the herd. "You’re a moron, go!"
Here’s how bad California looks to the rest of the country: People in Florida are laughing at us.
Good news for Gray Davis. The Clintons are coming to California to campaign for him. Well, Hillary will campaign for Davis. Bill will be campaigning for Larry Flynt.
I guess you know, "Hustler" publisher Larry Flynt is running for governor. I don’t know ... on Election Day do we really want supporters of Larry Flynt going into a curtained booth by themselves?
You know who should run for governor? Mike Tyson. Mike Tyson should run for California governor. He’s built like Schwarzenegger, spends like Davis and sounds like Barbara Boxer.
The White House also reported that Bush had no sexually transmitted diseases. I guess there was some concern he may have picked something up left over from the last administration.
President Bush just sent eight soldiers to Liberia today. Eight! Well, you know what that means ... no oil there!
Jerry Springer has announced that he’s not running for senator in Ohio. I guess he felt that politics are just too sleazy.
Presidential candidate Joe Lieberman said, "Howard Dean is a ticket to nowhere." So at least Lieberman will have someone to ride with.
They’re saying this entire Kobe trial will be turned into a three-ring circus. Four if you count the one he bought his wife.
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