A New Hampshire Liberal's Christmas Holiday Form Letter
A NH liberal's Christmas holiday form letter By FERGUS CULLEN
SEASON'S GREETINGS from the O'Bama family in Blue Hampshire! As we write this year's holiday form letter, our excitement following November's elections is tempered by our usual December outrage at the seasonal assault on the separation of church and state.
Last week Jenny and I jumped in the Prius and went on our annual search for a seasonal spruce at the organic composting farm where you can cut your own tree. We didn't chop a tree down, of course -- that would be killing -- but for $20 the farmer let us pardon one instead, creating our own little conservation easement. I get a little sick to my stomach whenever I drive by one of those parking lot entrepreneurs selling clear cut yule trees, doubly so if the tree stand is sponsored by those little indoctrinated brown shirts, the Boy Scouts. The bourgeoisie Rotarians are bad enough!
We had a bit of trouble getting into the solstice spirit at the neighborhood holiday party when Jenny suspected the eggnog was made using neither hormone-free milk nor free range eggs. One of the neighbors -- knuckle-
dragging neoconservative Neanderthal that he is -- made a sarcastic comment about the United Nations flag we display from our front porch, and when we noticed the music included non-secular carols, we decided it was time to go home early. I used the extra time to pen a letter to the editor complaining about insensitive and unconstitutional creche displays.
Our family boycott of Wal-Mart is now in its third year as our anger seethes unabated at the way that evil multinational provides jobs to low skilled workers. Any enlightened person knows the only good jobs are in high tech, the caring professions, and higher education. We are outraged on behalf of those poor Wal-Mart workers obliviously cashing their checks each week without even knowing they are being exploited. This corrupt creeping capitalism is coordinated by Cheney's crony cabal!
We might have to stop going to the mall, too. It's hard to feel good about shopping when that prototypical paternalistic old white male, Santa, is just steps away at the food court. Santa is so heteronormative!
It was a year of travel for the O'Bamas. We went to Washington, D.C., to protest the war, to Houston to picket outside Tom Delay's office and to Connecticut to campaign for Ned Lamont. Our planned trip to Florida to protest the Bush administration's handling of hurricane relief efforts had to be canceled.
The kids are great. Wesleyan accepted Sunshine early decision, where she plans to major in womyn's studies with a concentration in western economic imperialism. Zephyr posted all of Hillary Rodham-Clinton's speeches onto YouTube and has just accepted a job as outreach coordinator with our new congresswomyn, Carol Shea-Porter! We're so excited about Carol. Before she drains the swamp in Washington, I'm sure she'll get all the necessary wetlands permits from the Environmental Protection Agency.
I continue to teach at UNH and, ever since I got tenure, to challenge the boundaries of academic freedom. This year I researched the financial links between the origins of the Iraq war and President Bush's ownership of the Texas Rangers baseball team. I am confident I will find an academic journal to publish my findings, but for now let me tease you with this juicy conclusion: Halliburton was involved! Jenny left her job with the Conservation Law Foundation to become a full-time community organizer for Democracy for America, specializing in universal health care and New Hampshire's immoral tax structure.
On a sad note, this year our family lost our loyal companion (we don't use the word "pet," which implies ownership), Clinton. I guess you could say the last dog died! Although we oppose the state-sanctioned murder of serial killers by means of lethal injection or any other methods, in Clinton's case euthanization was the right thing to do. At the vet's we read aloud a Maya Angelou poem and a favorite passage from "The Audacity of Hope," and then Clinton was gone.
Donations in Clinton's memory can be made to the international humanitarian effort of your choice.
All in all, we O'Bamas feel fortunate (we don't use the word "blessed"). The only things I could ask for (hint, hint!) are the director's cut of "Fahrenheit 9/11" on DVD, a copy of Terry Gross's latest book, a renewal of my subscription to The Nation, and a bumper sticker that says "I'm already against the next war, too."
Fergus Cullen is a painting contractor in Wolfeboro. He can be reached at email@example.com.
Submitted by Ann S.