ANGRY SANTA DECLARES WAR ON ARBOR DAY
Seeks Revenge For War on Christmas, Experts Believe
In what was widely interpreted as an attempt to seek revenge for the so-called "War on Christmas," an angry Santa Claus appeared in a chilling three-minute videotape today in which he called for an all-out war on Arbor Day.
The tape, which was released to all of the major news networks, shows a bearded Claus in front of a plain, snowy background, fixing the camera with his steely glare.
"To those of you who would replace 'Merry Christmas,' with 'Happy Holidays,' let me say this," he said. "Arbor Day is going down!"
In the three-minute rant, the angry fictitious character called Arbor Day "part of a stealth war on Christmas," explaining, "Arbor Day is all about trees, and as you and I know, in order for Christmas to happen, many, many trees must die."
According to Dr. Davis Logsdon, a leading Santa Claus expert at the University of Minnesota, the world ignores Santa Claus' threats at its own peril.
"Does Santa possess the ability to destroy the world's trees?" he asked. "All he has to do is fly that sleigh a little lower and he can take down a forest."
At a press conference today, CIA director Porter Goss characterized Santa Claus' threat as "credible."
"We have been hearing increased levels of chatter from Santa's elves," Mr. Goss said. "Our policy of wire-tapping every short person in the world is starting to pay off."
Elsewhere, after surveying earthquake damage in Pakistan, Vice President Dick Cheney told reporters, "This country is badly in need of reconstruction - and I know just the company to do it."
Submitted by Pasadena Phil